Chapter 1 & 2 Intermission 1: Shopping and Bonding

[Ray of Meep]

Coauthored by Acewing13, Ikate Keda Studios, TheCountryWarrior

???? A.D., less than two weeks after the Lancers’ first baptism by fire

Silbern System, Daimler Gate, Castle Services Spaceport

The toruses of the space port were made of transparent aluminum and opaque alike, with steel crossbeams webbing the inner hull. Transparency allowed light generated from the central spine to shine in, giving the illusion of one, giant plaza that was constantly under daylight. Each torus was broken into segments by bulkheads, each segment lined with vegetation, compartments, and walkways, residents and travellers alike hustling and hustling.

The three Mercenaries of Grau Lancers sat in the busy food court of Castle Services. Joan, wore a pretty “Mom” outfit, jeans with a semi decent but comfortable blue sweater, her brown hair tied back in a ponytail, Juan was in a white teeshirt and simple Khaki Cargo Pants, and Beatrix was wearing simple slacks and a baby blue blouse, her blonde hair up in a ponytail. To the average citizen, they looked like a group of friends thinking about what they were going to do. Which wasn’t exactly wrong.

“Awe blimey,” Joan groaned, looking at all the people. “Ah ‘aven’t bin shopping in a lemon. Bin ah leas’ ‘alf a decade?” She said, crossing her arms and frowning a little. “ ‘ow does ya even start ah dis poin’? Ah don’ even know where tah start!”

Juan thought real hard about that, and came to an important conclusion. “I have only ever bought food weekly. I haven’t bought new clothes in months. I have no idea what to do. Bee, are you more normal than us?”

“Apparently,” Beatrix said, a smile on her lips as she pulled up the map of the spaceport on her PD. “What are we thinking of getting? Clothes? Electronics? Books?”

“Das da problem innit?” Joan said, looking at Beatrix. “We dunno wha’ ta git! Was ‘opin you would ‘ave a start.” She said, raising a brow. “Yer tellin me we’re all socially daft?”

“Probably. I blame the military. I want video games, I need entertainment. But no shooters, I do that enough in real life.”

“Well,” Bee said, looking at the map, “looks like the clothing outfitters are pretty close to the electronic media kiosks. Me and Joan could get started on clothing while you look at games, Juan, then you can come in when you got something to pass the time.”

“Oh? Spaniard is gone look at games while we try on clothes?” Joan asked, grinning. “Well, I fink dat would be the time we put on da frilly things, hmm?” She asked, looking at Beatrix.

“Sounds like a plan. I might pick up clothes too, eventually. Maybe.” Juan checked the location of the entertainment store. “Where can I meet y’all? I won’t be long.”

“Guess it depends on what clothes you’re looking at getting, Bandit,” Bee said, returning Joan’s grin before looking back at the list. “Civie clothes, ‘frilly things’, more formal clothing, etc.”

“Oh!” Joan said, perking up. “The Spaniard in some frilly lace? Ah’d pay tah see dat! Now’s ya gotta come wif us eh?” She said, smiling coyly at Juan.

He couldn’t help but chuckle at the notion, though he shook his head. “That’s a solid no, I don’t wear frilly things. I wear average clothes, it’s my style. I’m sure you’d like me to show more skin, but I’m just not that easy.”

“Ah Spaniard ‘oo ain’t easy?” Joan asked, looking at Beatrix. “ ‘e might just prove my experiences past wrong ‘e might.”

“I mean, you know you don’t have to be the one wearing the frilly things,” Bee said, smirking at the lone man. “You could just comment on the stuff we’re trying out.”

Juan sighed, not entirely sure what to do here. “That seems like an invasion of privacy. You don’t need my approval, we're warriors! Don’t tempt me, you gaggle of temptresses.”

“Oh?” Joan asked, looking at Beatrix. “Ah finks ‘e’s too manly tah come inta a girly shop,” She said, standing up. “Wouldn’ wanna make ‘im look bad, followin a couple of gals round!” She said, looking at Juan. “ ‘ave fun wif yer games, come find us when yer good tah move on!”

Juan looked shrewdly at the two of them, and sighed. “The thing is, I know you’re playing me. But you’re right, let’s go.” He holds himself in a very manly stance. “I’m man enough to stand around uncomfortably in a shop for women.”

“Let’s get a move on then,” Bee said, putting her PD in her bag and put over her shoulder. “No time like the present.” With that the three followed the blonde shopper through the mall until they arrived at a clothing store that was obviously not for women looking for casual, comfortable clothes.

“Yer serious?” Joan asked, looking around the store. “Las’ time ah wore anyfing like in dis store ah was a teen!” She said looking at Beatrix. “Ya know, yer body tends ta take a shit after a couple dusties, ge’ wha’mean?”

“I gotta know what I’m working with here,” Bee said, looking Cowboy up and down before starting to go through the racks of clothes. “How adventurous are you feel’n right now?”

Juan of course would be in the back, just letting them do their thing. This felt like a them thing, so he would just keep an eye out for anything amiss, and also comfy looking.

“Ah’ve got a feelin yer gonna ‘ave me lookin like a ‘ore no matter what I says,” Joan said, looking at the clothes. “So try in keep it classy?”

“Pfft, please,” Beatrix said, pulling off a couple of low-cut shirts, “If we were going for whore, we’d be spending twice as much. Now, which of these shirts do you like?”

“None a dose are big enough fer me,” Joan frowned, setting her hands on her hips.

“You’re acting like I’m asking you to go around in a bikini,” Bee said, draping the shirts over the taller woman’s shoulders, before pushing her to a changing booth. “You can’t be fat in this line of work, now get in there.”

“That is true,” Juan said, “regardless of what the kids did to you, you’re a warrior, and at risk of sounding weird, you fine.”

“Oh fine!” Joan grumbled, closing the door. “But Ah’m tellin ya! Is not big enough!” She said, the sound of her rustling about the only real thing that could be heard. After a minute or two, she huffed. “Ah’m not comin out in dis,” She said, annoyance clear in her voice. “Ah told ya, but ya didn’t listen,” She grumbled from inside the booth.

“Oh, come on,” Bee replied, rolling her eyes as she walked up to the booth. “It can’t be that bad. In fact,” she continued, opening the door a little and sliding into the booth. “Now, what are we...Oh, damn. You weren’t kidding.”

“Ah told’cha!” Joan almost shouted. “Ah wear binders fer a reason! I ‘ardly fit in our suits, lit alone dis! Ah look like ah’m about ta ‘ulk out er summin!”

Juan snickered from outside, crossing his arms as he listened. “Should I evacuate the area? Sun’s going down big guy, you’ll be alright.” While the concept of two lovely ladies in a changing booth sparked a bit of imagination, he kept that on the down low. “You’ll be fine, muscles are attractive.”

“Now, it isn’t that bad,” Bee replied, trying to calm down the other woman while not quite being able to stop teasing. “Just let me adjust this a little,” she continued, before grunting a couple of times. “Yeah, just don’t, you know, move too quickly and it’ll be fine.”

“Oh you fakking cunt!” Joan snipped. “Ah can ‘ardly breaf!”

 

[Ray of Meep]

“Come on,” Beatrix said, “all you have to do is walk out of here, show Bandit your new outfit, then walk right back in. We can’t tease him with this and not let him see what the fuss was about, right?”

Juan could tell this was about to get good. Or violent, he wasn’t sure. “If it’s any consolation, I will probably be embarrassed to look at you and you can hold it over my head. You may look fantastic! Motherhood is not a reason to never look good again.”

“Oh shut up!” Joan groaned in defeat. “Fine! Ah’ll come out,” She muttered, opening the door. Her face was bright red, and she wouldn’t look straight on, but what Joan was talking about became abundantly clear. Beatrix had Joan picked out pretty good, all things considered, except her chest, which her arms were poised to cover in case the shirt finally gave out. This would also explain the binders comment, and the concealing clothes. “Dere. ‘ave yer laugh,” She muttered, wrapping her arms around her stomach.

Juan did his best to avert his gaze, but it was hard to fully ignore all of what stood before him. He did have a little chuckle with it, but it wasn’t really a laugh. “I mean, it could be worse. It could be much worse. The only constructive criticism I can offer is: you look cute when you blush. And also you wouldn’t be as uncomfortable if you had less constricting clothing.” He puts his hands up to deflect incoming blows. “Just from a purely fashion perspective, which I am clearly an expert on.” He says, wearing the next to bare minimum of ordinary clothing.

“Yer lucky I’m incapable o punchin ya wifout tearin dis shirt Spaniard…” Joan grumbled, walking back into the booth.

Juan nodded sagely. “I know, that’s why I prepared a defense.”

“Now, Beatrix,” Joan ordered, seemingly ignoring the smartass remark. “Ya git what I mea now, or are ya still gonna fight me ovah me own damn clothes?” She asked, groaning as she presumably took the shirt off.

“Yeah, I can see what you were saying,” Bee replied, slipping out of the changing booth and going over to the clothing racks. “Just stay in there, I’m going to see if I can find something that’d fit better.”

Juan spoke as she passed him, chuckling to himself. “I felt like it fit fine, but that’s just an invested outsider’s perspective.”

“I get where you’re coming from,” Beatrix replied with a smile, “but we’ve got to get her something that she’ll wear out of the store.” After rummaging around for a minute, she walked back with a new pair of blouses. “Try these on. Should be long enough to cover everything,” she said, putting the clothes over the door.

“Ah appreciate it,” Joan said, pulling the clothes down. A minute later she walked out, wearing one of the blouses and it did indeed cover mostly everything. No more midriff, but still gave a nice window to look at. “Mus’ ya always draw atten’ion to me bristols? Ah ‘ave an ‘ard enough time trying ta get men tah look me in da eye when I talk wif dem.”

Juan nods approvingly. “Bee, you are a fashion expert. My entirely made up crown I pass to you. If it’s any consolation, they can’t fight back effectively if they’re too distracted to look you in the eyes.” He taps his forehead as if he had invented the most wise wisdom to ever wisdom.

“Ah ‘ave a feelin,” Joan started, giving Bee a deadpan look, “Dat the Spaniard just became much easiah den before. Ya broke me ‘eart Bee, ah was ‘opin dat streak was broken,” She sighed. “Why dun ya put somefing skimpy on eh? See ‘ow ya like being oggled.”

“That was the plan,” Beatrix said, winking at Juan before going over to the clothing racks again. “What are you thinking, Mr. Peanut Gallery? Want me to just try on a new top or are you in a dress kinda mood?”

Juan waggles his finger mock-scoldingly. “I am not easier than before, I will however not pass up a show when it’s offered. Bee, why don’t you let Cowboy pick something for you? Turnabout is fair play after all.” He leaned against the nearest wall. “I’ll wait for Cowboy to take her revenge.”

“Ah dun know!” Joan said, looking about the racks, before pulling off a low cut white blouse. “ ‘ere, ows dis?” She asked, handing it to Beatrix.

“Sure,” Bee replied, taking the blouse and going into the changing booth. After a few non-whiny minutes, she walked out of the booth, seemingly just wearing the blouse. “What do you think, Cowboy? Bandit? Think it matches my shoes?”

Juan averts his gaze again, before looking over to Joan. “Cowboy I’m sorry, but you’ve been beaten.” He looks back to Bee, looking right into her eyes to not look anywhere else. “How do you go into a changing booth with more clothes, and come out with less than before?”

“What?” Beatrix asked, pulling up the front of her blouse slightly to reveal a very short skirt. “It’s not like I’m wearing nothing here.”

“Jesus…” Joan muttered, covering her eyes with her hand, more out of frustration than any sense of modesty keeping. “ ‘ere I fink ah’m regretting this…”

Juan chuckled nervously. “I’m not sure if those count as clothes in public. Especially not when I can’t see if you’re wearing anything under there or not. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the view, but I can’t help but feel we’re about to get arrested for indecent exposure. Even Cowboy had more clothes on, despite the top half counting more as a really taut military grade elastic.” He said, receiving a smack in the back of the head as a retort from Cowboy.s

“Yeah, like they’d sell it if I would be in trouble wearing it in public,” Bee said, sighing at the lack of enthusiasm. “I’m in the mood for a dress, so one second,” she added, running over to the racks again. She came back a moment later, holding a long red dress. Give me a minute, alright?” she asked, before going into the booth and closing the door.

Juan sighed, rubbing the back of his head. “I’m sorry, but do I really need to spell it out for you? You look hot. Such is the fact of life. You two are making me toe the line of supportive and creepy, and I’m not sure when to say ‘yes, very attractive’ or avoid my gaze. It’s usually both honestly.” He leaned his head against the wall, and twisted it around. “This is why guys don’t go shopping for clothes with women, it’s not a masulinity thing, it’s a temptation to stare thing.”

“Then stare,” Joan said, looking at Juan. “Is gonna ‘appen. Is bound ta ‘appen. One day, da stars are gona align, and one of us are gonna get caught dead undecen’ so ya may as well git it out now. Ah jus’ like cloves dat fit!” She said with a frown.

“That sounds nice and all, but it still feels awkward. But hey, permission is permission.” Juan proceeded to stare right into Joan’s eyes, face staring deadpan, submitting her to prolonged eye contact.

Joan held the gaze with an unamused look. “Are ya playing daft, or are ya serious?” She asked, crossing her arms under her chest. “Ah’ve got two dusties dat challenge meh tah dis all da time.”

Juan smiled, breaking the deadpan look. “Course I’m fuckin with you, you said stare so I stared. If you have somewhere else you’d like me to stare, feel free to inform me.”

Beatrix chose this moment to walk out of the changing booth. The dress covered her front, hugging tightly as it covered her curves, before ending just above her knees. When she turned, she revealed that it was open back from the nape of her neck to the small of her back, with a sun pattern of sequins below the (slit). “What do you guys think?” she asked, turning to look at her comrades.

Juan was stunned, and stared at her, doing his best to keep his mouth closed. “That’s… yeah that’s fukin sexy. Red’s just a good color on you, and the dress is top notch.”

“Jessica Rabbit,” Joan smiled. “Da dress is Jessica Rabbit.”

“I just wish we had more opportunities for fanciful get up in our line of work. I’d certainly like to see more of it.”

 

[Ray of Meep]

“Eh, Ah’m sure dey’ll crop up,” Joan said, going to get changed back into her clothes. “You should still buy it dough. Ya got da dosh fer it.” she added from behind the door. She came out a few minutes later far less top heavy, in her loose sweater looking a bit more relaxed.


“I think I will,” Beatrix said, taking her turn in the changing booth. After a few minutes, she came out in her original outfit, holding her soon-to-be purchases. “Alright, I’m assuming no one else is getting anything?”

“Ah dun know, dis shir’ kinda grew on me I fink…” Joan said, looking at the blouse she had been wearing. “Bu’ ah’ve got sumefing ah need tah buy… I really can’t spend a lot and dis gonna be a big day fer me any’ow” She said shrugging her shoulders. “Next time.”

Juan fumbled around in his pockets, and checked his cash. “I haven’t bought anything but food in 2 weeks, I can help if you need. I’m not gonna spend it on anything useful anyway.”

Joan frowned at the offer. “Ah appreciate it, Ah really do, but I don’t fink ah can accept,” She said, returning the shirts to their hangers. “Is nuffing against ya, ah jus’ ‘ate takin money from folks. ‘Asn’t done me no good in da past, and bin nuffin but weight on mah shouldahs,” She said with a shrug. “Ah kin wait. Ah’m a patient girl.”

Juan shrugged and put his cash away, smiling regardless. “If that’s what you want, but I’m not expecting repayment, I like to look out for my team. If one isn’t willing to do so much as pay for a teammate’s tab without being an asshole about it, how can they be trusted to keep you alive?”

Joan smiled. “Ah’ll tell ya what Spaniard. If’n ya see somefing later ya finks I would wear, ya kin get it fer me,” She said, looking for where Beartrix got the shirts in the first place. “Ah might even wear it fer ya. But fer now, Ah’ll ‘ave ta pass.”

Juan nodded, and shrugged. “Fair enough. Offer stands though, for both of you. Where’re we heading next?”

“I need to pay for this stuff, so I’ll be right back,” Bee replied, going over to the check out.

“Eiver of cha know where ya kin buy dem fake baps kid use tah shoot each ovah?” Joan asked, looking around. “Ah feel bad fer yellin at Jacob ovah wan’in tah learn ta shoot, fought ah would git ‘im a compromise,” She said simply. “At leas’ so ‘e knows ah’m willin tah show ‘im ‘ow.”

Juan visibly perked up, eyes lighting further. “I know exactly the place!” Juan makes sure the girls are ready to go, and will take them to find airsoft guns. A whole store of imaginary warfare before them, guns of non-lethal persuasion, Juan takes the ladies on a tour of the coolest choices. “I’m partial to assault weapons, but a shiny sidearm just looks badass.”

“ ‘e’ll want somefing like what we use,” She said, looking around at all the different guns on display. “An somefing Ah’m familiar wif so dat ah kin ‘elp im wif it proper, yeah?” She added, looking at a couple older style weapons, as one of the sales reps walked over.

“Hey guys!” He said, stopping a reasonable distance away. “You trying to get some new blood into the sport?” He asked, looking at Juan. “I can help you and your lovely friends here find just the right fit,” He said, obviously assuming Beatrix and Joan were new to all this. He wasn’t exactly wrong. “Have either of you shot guns before? Or are you fresh slates?” This caused Juan to break out in laughter.

“Did ‘e seriously jus ask dat?” Joan asked, looking at Juan. “Do ah seriously look dat ‘elpless?”

“Apparently it’s a real sausagefest around here,” Bee said with a shrug. “But no,” she told the sales rep, “we’re pretty experienced with firearms.”

Juan laughed, trying his best to calm himself. “‘Have you shot guns before?!’ Oh my god buddy, I’m sorry. You’re looking at very experienced individuals. They just also look easy on the eyes.”

“Alright, alright!” The sales rep said, face going red in embarrassment. “My bad, just not used to… Well… Ya know what I’ll shut up and just ask what you’re looking for before I make a fool of myself again,” He chuckled, looking at the group. “What’re you looking for?”

Joan scowled a little, still a little miffed about the question, but let it go easily enough. “Me oldest Dusty jus’ recen’ly get a ‘old of a firearm, in not in a way ah would like. ‘E jus’ wants tah learn ‘ow to use em since ah do, so ah wanted a middle ground, get wha’mean?” She asked, picking up an L85A2. “Like dis. Ah trained wif one way back when ah was a teen in da Royal Army Cadets. ‘Ow good is it fer actual learnin fer real guns?” She asked, looking at the sales rep.

“Well, that one isn’t so great for learning real guns,” The Sales rep said, walking further into the store. “But I think I have exactly what you’re looking for,” He said, pulling the same model off a high shelf and offering it to Joan, who took it and quickly cleared it. Force of habit. “It’s a full metal gas blowback rifle built as a replica of the actual weapon. All of the internals work exactly like the actual weapon,” He said with a smile. “While there has always been a bit of a debate as to whether you can learn firearms with airsoft, with quality ones like these you really only need to get used to the recoil of actual firearms. Manual of arms stay the same,” He explained.

“Well, it does feel like da real fing,” Joan said, looking it over. “An dis is da only one in da store ya can say dat about?” She asked him.

“It’s the most authentic experience,” The Sales rep said. “It even comes with an electric set up you can drop in if you don’t have gas but just want to practice aiming,” He added. “The best for a kid who wants to learn to shoot and acquire skills that will transfer to real weapons.”

Juan has been looking over the potential transaction, nodding with approval. “In our line of work, the kid’s better off able to defend himself. It’ll be worth it I think, a good way to start him off the way nature learns to defend itself, in childhood.”

“Ah’d rather ‘im jus not ‘ave tah defend ‘imself,” Joan muttered, then sighed. “But ah s’pose dis innit so bad. Was da damage gonna be?” She asked, looking at the man.

“For a quality gas blowback with a drop in electric system?” He said, crossing his arms. “The drop in electric system is actually pretty new stuff. The set up is about 750.”

Joan went noticably pale at the pricepoint, and that was saying something given she looked like she’d never seen sunlight her entire life. “750 quid?!” She asked, looking at the airsoft rifle. “Ah may’s well buy ‘im a real gun fer 750 quid I might!” She said, looking at Juan. “Ya didn’t tell me dese fings were so expensive! Dere toys! ‘Ow can it be werf dat much!”

Juan held his hands up, and sighed. “It’s… a lot but it’s more than a toy, a lot of material and engineering go into it. It’ll last for ages, the kid will be safer in the long run, and he’ll think you’re the coolest mom in the world. I can help pay, more than willing since I kinda talked this stuff up the whole trip here.” Joan’s frown only grew larger, doubt spreading across her features.

“I can make it a little easier though,” The sales rep said, seeing he was about to lose a sale. “Uh… I can’t make it cheaper, but I can definitely give you way more bang for your buck, just a second,” He said, going and grabbing a bunch of stuff, setting it all on the counter. “We’ve got a real steel gas blowback pistol, ten cans of gas, an extra mag for both guns, a holster and a vest, I can do a solid thousand dollars. Everything someone needs to learn firearms, both rifles and pistols, and he can use the gas system, and can feel cool wearing the vest,” He offered, with a smile. “Buy them separately and you’d be looking at easily 1500.”

Bee looked back and forth between the sales rep and Joan, giving the older woman a raised eyebrow. “Remind me why we can’t just use real guns and get the company to pay for it?” she asked.

“Cause ‘e ain’t shootin real guns if ah kin ‘elp it!” Joan snapped, before letting out a sigh. “Ah just don’t fink such a large investment is…” She started, looking at Juan. “ ‘ow much would ya give, if ah gave ya da pistol? You said ya liked sidearms, yeah?” She asked, looking a little hopeful.

“We can do halfsies, but I can do more if needed.” Juan shifted through his bank account. He had a decent amount of cash, mostly because as a hobby haver he knew how expensive liking things could be. “I started as halfies to keep it fair, but I got your back if that’s too big a hit. The kids come first.”

 

[Ray of Meep]

“Okay,” Joan sighed, a little bit of relief growing on her features as she nodded to the guy. “Yeah, I’ll get it all I suppose,” She said, pulling out her card and paid for everything. She was left with a bunch of brand new airsoft equipment, and visible stress on her face. “We kin deal wif dis stuff back in da ship. Ah trust ya won’ leave meh ‘angin. Ah know where ya sleep after all,” She said, trying to lighten up a little.

Juan chuckled at that and returned fire. “Oh trust me, that’s influenced many of my decisions today. Glad to help, seriously.”

“Okay, we got clothes, we got fake guns,” Bee said, ticking options off her fingers, “Weren’t we supposed to do something else? Oh, right, video games?”

Juan scoffed and shrugged. “Oh, well that’s not that important anymore. I’ll see about that when I know what I’m working with money wise. I do need to make a personal stop, but that’s not exciting enough to bother with.”

“Ya sure?” Joan asked with a frown. “We kinda did everyfing we wanted tah do. Ah’d feel bad if’n we didn’t do somefing ya wanted or needed tah do.”

“No no, I was just bored enough to look. I mostly offered it so I wouldn’t have to go shopping with the ladies that that turned into more of a show than I was expecting. Let’s grab a bite yeah? We earned it, Joan parented, Bee found a new way to make my jaw drop, and I spent more money than I intended to spend! It’s actually been a good day! You can treat me to a hot dog, maybe two.”

“Hot dogs, what are we Americans or something?” Beatrix asked with a snicker.

“Ah dun know, ah could go fer an ‘otdog,” Joan shrugged. “And sure, ah’ll buy ya a couple. Figure it’s da least ah kin do fer ‘elping me.”

Juan laughs, scratching the back of his neck. “I had one once, and I never have a chance to get another. Thanks. Walk with me ladies, we’re packing toy heat.” Juan begins leading the way, smiling at the day itself. “I haven’t gotten anything new in terms of simulated combat toys in ages, I forgot about how in depth they are.”

“So, question about all that,” Bee said, looking up at Bandit. “Why did you get into it? I get it for civvies who don’t have easy access to training equipment, but it's not like you didn’t have ‘real’ guns.”

“Oh easy, I wanted to be able to shoot people for practice without killing them. Honestly, I was invited to an extended airsoft game, something far more lighthearted with guns than I was used to, and it stuck! It’s a good chance for practice and also fun with the team. And no one has to die.”

“Das ‘bou’ why ah wanted somefing like it,” Joan said, shrugging her shoulders. “Ah mean, Ah wouldn’ mind somefing like simunition wifout da pain,” She said, looking at Beatrix.

“I mean, I guess,” Bee said, thinking it over. “Not sure how well the practice would translate, but I guess fun is fun.”
Juan shrugged and chuckled. “At a certain point I didn’t care, I was just enjoying myself. And it’s gotta be better than video games in the practice department, definitely.” Juan thought to himself for a moment. “Well I can’t spill all the beans, Bee, what do you do in your spare time?”

“Oh, the usual,” Beatrix said with a shrug. “Shopping, reading fantasy and romance novels, shooting on the range, and napping as much as possible.”

“Romance is nice,” Juan commented, “as my people practically invented it.”

“Ya realize,” Joan mentioned, looking at Juan. “Yer basically the guy on da front of e’ry one of dem books,” She said, shaking her head. “Ah don’ know if dat should be a compliment, er an insult.”

Juan nodded understandingly. “Oh I’m aware, it’s definitely a compliment. It’s good to know that if this line of work doesn’t pan out, I can be a model for book covers and worse. That way Bee doesn’t have to imagine it’s me on the cover.”

“Yer a cheeky git aren’cha?” Joan asked, smiling and shaking her head.

“Ehh, you’d need to grow out your hair, preferably down to the waist,” Beatrix said, as they turned the corner to the food court. “Course, they usually don’t have to deal with getting that all in a vacsuit, being fantasy and all.”

Juan leans towards the girls with a sultry smile. “But if I did that you two wouldn’t stand a chance against my charms. At that point it’s not a challenge, and that’s not fun. Perhaps soon mis amigas.”

“If ya fink ah’m a girl ‘oo’ll fall ‘ead ovah ‘eels ovah ya just cause ya ‘ave long ‘air,” Joan said, setting her stuff down next to a table. “Den ah’ll ‘ave some news fer you,” She shook her head. “Anyway, ah’ll go grab our food, back in a minute,” She said, walking to where there were hotdogs.

Juan sat down, and fixed Bee with the single raised eyebrow. He speaks in a sultry voice, leaning into the accent. “She will come around, no? Would you perhaps be as immune to the latin passion should my hair be any longer?”

“It’d certainly help,” Beatrix replied with a smile of her own. “Not sure if Cowboy is that easy to sway though.”

Juan smiles and drops the act a bit. “Of course not, the best girls are the ones that take some working up to. Too easy and it feels hollow. But with actual passion behind it, real feeling makes it more weighty. You can trust my love advice, because I am a Spainiard.”

“If you say so, Spainiard,” Bee said, glancing over at Joan as she stood in line. “If you’re actually going for her, more power to you. Think you’ll need more than good looks and decent advice though.”

Juan chucked, and shook his head a bit in response. “I’m mostly just kidding around, though you two lovely ladies make it hard to do much else but use ‘The Spaniard Voice’ for fun. I’m not really looking for anything right now anyway.”

“Aww and here I was ready to play matchmaker and everything,” Beatrix said, chuckling at the thought. “Probably for the best. Dating among co-workers can get awkward real fast.”

Juan shrugged, but couldn’t argue that being untrue. “Maybe. We’ll see. One thing’s for sure though, at least you two aren’t complete prudes. That eases so much tension about these get togethers, compared to some people I’ve hung out with. And I only get lightly smacked, much better than the alternative.”

"Alternative o' what?" Joan asked returning with a tray full of food. "Dey 'ad a family deal, figured why not," she said seeing the tray down, plenty of hot dogs and condiments and fries. " 'ave at 'er"

“Thanks, Joan,” Bee said, picking up a hot dog and started to spoon relish on it. “Speaking of you bringing food, I’m curious. Did you breastfeed the kids or did you use a bottle?”

Joan started at Bee for a moment. "What…" she asked, as she seemed to try and understand the question.

Juan almost choked on a piece of ice from his drink at the suddenness of that question.

“What?” Beatrix asked, looking between her two comrades. “I’ve been wondering this since the store! She has tits the size of my head! I wanna know if they were just for show!"

Juan nodded. “It’s a fair question, if a bit sudden. And in the middle of my meal.”

“God, ya ‘ave tah remind me o’ den?” Joan asked, sitting down. “Nawt exactly my finest momen’ in life,” She muttered, chomping on a fry. “Ah breas’fed em, and feels like every ovah damn babe in da ‘ospital,” She sighed. “Felt like a fakking cow.”

 

[Ray of Meep]

Juan had nothing to add to this, as this was an awkward topic of conversation. He simply ate hotdogs, and drank water.

“Huh, didn’t think about it like that,” Bee said, before taking a bite of her hot dog. “So, did you stick to the bottle after that?”

Joan shrugged. “Naw, dey started ea’in real food for da bottlin and such,” She said, munching on another fry. “Ya be careful Bee. Ya do some dumb shit aftah birf,” She said, taking a sip of her pop.

“Now that sounds like a story,” Beatrix said, taking a handful of fries.

Juan leaned forward, eating his meal with gusto. “Ooh! Storytime from the life of a mother. Please, tell.”

“So, yer right, dese aren’t fer show, dey work more den well enough, in Jacob spent a bit in d ‘ospital,” She said. “In so da doctah said, if’n ah wanted ta feed ‘im da normal way, ah would ‘ave to pump so dey ‘ad food fer ‘im if ah weren’t in da ‘ospital when dey needed meh,” She sighed. “Well, ah was good at it, an deh ‘ospital asked if I would donate so dey could feed ovah kids. Is bettah den formula and such,” She said, sighing.

“So, mah stupid brain,” She said, shaking her head. “Fought dat all dese babe’s were sarvin, in dat ah was suddenly responsibal fer feedin da ‘ole lot o dem! Ah started crying in everyfing, finking dey were starvin in ‘ad nofing ta eat. ‘Ence why ah said ah felt like a cow, wif dat machine all ‘ooked up in such.”

Juan couldn’t help but smile at that. “That is adorable, you parented too hard. That’s new to me, mothering an entire hospital. Well done, even if it was,” he chuckled, “misinformed. You’re all heart, Cowboy.”

“Yeah, and experince dun ‘elp, cause ah did it again aftah Miranda was born,” JOan sighed. “Cryin an everyfing.”

Juan chuckles further, and sighs. “Goddamnit, twice? That’s impressive. I know as a man I could never really know, but I had no idea that much…” he searched for his next words for a second, “milk could be made.”

“Gotta say,” Beatrix said, after another bite of her hot dog. “You’re not making me more excited for motherhood, regardless of how annoying my parents are about wanting grandkids.”

“Eh,” Joan said. “Da git cer’ainly fought it were a bubble,” She said, grabbing a hot dog. “Men get a bit too touchy when yer all movvahly. Is like ‘e was trying tah send me back up da duff da moment e got ‘ome. ‘Ad ta kick ‘im off tah da couch fer weeks for ah was ‘ealed up nuff tah shut ‘im up.”

Juan points a hot dog at her. “See that’s weird to me. I had thought, for the longest time, that the main thought should be anything but more children directly after getting back from having children. Maybe that’s just me, but kids are work to take care of. The last thing someone needs immediately after having a baby is another baby while the previous baby is still an infant.”
“So ya finks,” Joan asked, smiling at Juan, leaning forward. “Aftah whatcha saw in da cloves shop, dat if’n me bristols were twice da size, and ah ‘ad dis look o’ fer’ili’y cause ya just put a babe in me, ya wouldn’t wanna ‘ave a roll wif me again?” She asked, leaning forward teasingly. “Ah finks ya would be jus’ as grabby ah does.”

Juan shook his finger at her. “I never said I wouldn’t want to, just that I would let you actually rest. Trust me, the answer is yes, but a true man knows when to keep his trap shut about it.”

“Das wha ah ‘ppreciates boutcha Spaniard,” Joan said, leaning back. “ ‘onesty, even if it might git ya smacked.” She said, still grinning mischeviously. “Dough, I wundah ifn ya would still ‘ave da energy aftah dealin wif da monstah I become when all knocked up,” She said, looking at Beatrix. “Even a small un like ya would eat a man alive.”

Juan shrugged and chuckled, and jested. “I totally would. Maybe we’ll find out one day,” he says, looking over to Bee.

Beatrix was unfortunately finishing off a hot dog when her comrades stared at her and rolled her eyes at them as she swallowed. “After that comment, you’ll need to do more than grow out your hair before you find out,” she said.

Juan tried to resist, but he eventually could not. “Are you sure? The way you scarf down those sausages I’m not convinced your standards are that high.” He said, making Joan snort and choke on the hotdog she was eating.

“I mean, if you don’t mind getting your sausage bitten in half...” Bee said, looking at Juan as she took another bite of a hot dog.

Juan smirked, eating one in turn as he stared at her. “How did you make a threat sound attractive?”

Joan finally managed to clear her throat of the obstruction, taking several gulps from her drink. “You are playin wif fire dere Spaniard. Ah almost died wif dat comment.”

Juan felt another chance. “Well then maybe you shouldn’t be scarfing down so much weiner.” He tensed slightly to prepare for retaliation, but couldn’t kill the smile on his face.

“Remind me who wanted hot dogs?” Bee asked, flicking the taller man’s nose. “Just because my standards are high now, doesn’t mean it always was the case,” she added, grabbing some more fries.

“Den we find out ‘ow Bee paid fer med school,” Joan snorted, covering her mouth with her arm as she was mid bite.

Juan grunts as if he missed something really important. “Man, I was so close. If only I knew her before she became a prude.” He shrugs in mock sadness, though he keeps his smile of mischievous nature. “Oh the nights that could have been…” He dramatically stares off into the distance.

“First, the military paid for med school,” Bee said, turning to Joan, “Course, you could say the military fucked me over, but my tours honestly weren’t that bad. Second, it's not prudish to have higher standards. I’m just pickier than I was before.”

Juan nodded sagely. “Very wise, you need to make sure you’re only affiliating with the best of potential mates. I will just have to be better than I am, which is already pretty great. Meaning I’m already almost there.”

“ ‘e’s got an ironclad ego,” Joan said, looking at Beatrix. “Ah’m just wonderin wha would ‘appen if eiver o’ us did fall fer da gimmick,” She said, looking at Juan. “Ya’d probably nevah let us live it down, eh?” She smirked. “Ah’d be more pissed about ‘avin me face rubbed in it den fallin fer dis charade.”

Juan holds a hand to his heart in mock hurt. “Excuse me, I would never hold a night of passion over your heads, such is the unspoken Spaniard code. A Spaniard understands when a woman cannot hold out any longer, there is nothing to be ashamed of.” He waggled his eyebrows as he leaned into the accent a bit more. “All the more reason to give it a chance, eh?”

Joan pretended to gag, then started laughing. “Yer a fucking riot China. Does dis actually work? ‘Ow many ladies ‘ave ya actually gotten wif dis stuff?”

Juan waggled his eyebrows again. “Twice, once for a one-nighter, the second because she found it cute. We can bump the number up a bit if you want.”

Beatrix just facepalmed and shook her head. “You’re just digging the hole further, Bandit,” she said.

Juan felt another one coming. “You can join me at any time, I am pretty good at filling holes.” He shook his head, sighing. “That was the worst one all day.”

 

[Ray of Meep]

“ ‘ight, das enough o’ dat,” Joan said, shaking her head and really starting to dig in. “You’s two can git a main’nence close’ er somefing, work out dis tension, ah’mma eat.”

“Let’s just change the subject,” Bee said, “Like, oh, I don’t know. What game were you thinking of getting earlier?”

Juan washed his meal down with water. “Well I was hoping for something to devote some time to, something to put some thought into. To keep my mind off the world for a bit.” He perked up a bit. “Ooh! We should get something we can all play together. Team building exercise!”

“Ah ‘aven’t touched one o’ dem games in me life,” Joan said, wiping her face with a napkin. “Ah played spor’s,” She added simply. “Ya wanna ‘ave a go in wrestlin, ah migh’ be ‘appy ta participate. Ah just dun unders’and dem weird controllahs, is all.”

Juan shrugs. “I did both growing up, a good balance. You should give it a try,” he gives a smirk, “unless of course you’re one of those moms that blame violent video games for evil itself.”

“Does ah look like a blivvering idio’ tuh ya?” Joan asked, looking at Juan. “If’n ah did dat, ah’d ‘ave tah blame movies in books fer da same fing, and ah’m not ‘bout dat lunacy.”

Juan smiles. “You’re sounding very attractive right now, defending a hobby you don’t have. We should play something, you’d be,” he said the next part quietly, “probably not absolutely terrible.”

“Ah’ve been soundin very ah’ractive dis ‘ole trip Spaniard,” She said, looking at Juan. “Now ah just look less like a one night stand, eh?”

Juan placed his hand on the right side of his heart. “You were never a one night stand to me, I would gladly do several one-night stands with you, thus making it a 2 to a week night’s stand.”

Bee shook her head and picked up a couple of fries. “You know, you never really answered my question,” she said. “We talking strategy games, puzzle games, what?”

Juan thought about it for a bit. “Well I was thinking something we could all play together, but Cowboy’s too old for games, so I’ll just get something for me. Something strategy wise.”

“Ya make me sound like ah’m in me eigh;ies!” Joan said, frowning a little. “Ah’d say I took pretteh damn good care o’ meself! Callin me old!” She pouted, crossing her arms.

Juan chuckled at her. “You’re adorable, I’m sure you’re not that old.”

“You’re a stick in the mud, but not old,” Beatrix said with a smirk.

“Ah piss off!” Joan muttered, sinking down into her chair. “Some of us ‘ave tah be adult!”

Juan saw yet another opportunity. “Oh I think we can be very adult.” He said, which was met with a stiff smack by the brit.

“Ya just can’t ‘elp yerself, now can ya?” She asked, with a scowl that couldn’t really be fully taken seriously. “Jeez, kin ‘ardly ‘ave an adult conversation,” She said, sitting back down.
He chuckled, and nodded, not yelping but hissing in exaggerated pain. “Worth it. Granted, what have we been doing this whole time? Seems pretty adult to me.”

“I think we need to distinguish between adult content and adult mentality,” Beatrix said, leaning back in her chair with a contented sigh. “Whatever it was, that was a good lunch though.”

Juan leans back as well, nodding. “Joan, you spoiled us, that was deliciously unhealthy.”

“We’ll, gotta spoil da children e’ry so of;en,” Joan smiled, collecting the garbage left over and putting it in a bin. “Dough, a finks de dusties are gonna be let loose by Monty soon. Ah should git back tah da ship. Ya folks coming wif, er do ya still ‘ave shopping tah do?”

Juan tilted his head and thought. “I think I need to fetch something, you can head out.”

“I’m good,” Bee said, picking up her bags. “Think I’ve done enough shopping today.”

“Alrigh’, den we’ll sees ya at da ship Juan,” Joan said, picking up all her stuff, hefting it over her shoulder. “Don’ ‘ave too much fun wif us. In don’t be bringing random floozies onta da ship! Security in all dat,” Joan teased, starting to walk off.

Juan fired one last shot. “Why bother, when I have enough on the ship?” Having said that, he begins to speed walk away.

“Git the git!” Beatrix yelled, jumping up from her seat.

“Bee,” Joan said calmly, grabbing her by the shoulder and stopping her from running off. “We know where ‘e sleeps. Why git all swea’y jus’ tah git ‘im ‘ere?”

“Because it's not as satisfying in the moment,” Beatrix said, fuming as she watched the Spainiard get away.

“Den we just… Escalate,” Joan smiled. “Like, we ‘ide is porn stash in cut ‘is ne’work access… Den lock ‘im in ‘is room fer a few days.”

“Not usually in the camp of liking revenge served cold,” Bee said, before sighing and brushing off the other woman’s hand. “I’ll come up with some ways to torture him in his room.”

“Careful... “ Joan warned. “ ‘e might jus like it,” She smiled, starting to walk again. “Let’s git back to da ship. Come on.”

End.